October is here! Crisp evenings, beautiful days, fall sports, long walks, times of the year. in the wings for his encore; Jackie Frost and he’s eyeing your nose.“The best pearls come from the older oysters….” This interview was with an elderly lady in a retirement home during Conventions weeks, to get the Senior Citizen outlook
Announcer: “Ma’am, what do you think on some of the major issues currently being discussed by both parties? For instance, hot topics on the floor this week were; illegal immigration, the vulnerability of New Orleans to hurricanes, and endangered alligators in Florida being a threat swimming into flooded towns during Hurricane Hanna…”
Announcer: “Give me an example?”
Agnes: “Well, you’re spending hundreds of millions of dollars to build a 370 mile fence to protect a 1900 mile border… that’s just stupid. My husband Wallace, rest his soul, could walk around it with his walker, and you still haven’t helped New Orleans or Florida, right?”
Announcer: “Yes Ma’am, how would your generation have handled it?”
Agnes: “Dig a 1900 mile ditch; it’s just sand and dirt. It’ll cost less than your fence… Then take the dirt and make a REAL dike around New Orleans, a big one, the kind of dike that sneers at a Cat-5. Then take those Florida gators and stock the immigrant ditch with them…”
Announcer: “Gee Ma’am that almost sounds like it would work… no illegal immigrants would get through…”
Agnes: “Don’t be silly young man, some would get through… The SMART ones; the ones we want here anyway… And that replaces the test to make sure they’re not dumber than a box of mallets, so there’s another $50 million in the taxpayer’s pocketbook…”
Announcer: “This sounds kind of weird, Ma’am, but I’ve spent the last 10 days at 2 conventions, and you’ve made more sense in 10 minutes than all of them did in two weeks… any other thoughts on why illegal immigration is so bad these days anyway?”
Agnes: “Back when my husband Wallace was still around, we had a beautiful small home in the country. One year Wallace decided it would be nice to have songbirds stay near all summer, to serenade us. So he put up bird feeders all along the porch. Soon there were birds everywhere, squawking, swooping at my head, dropping seed husks all over. Worst of all was their poop, every darn place… It got so bad I took told Wallace “Take a broom out and smash all those bird feeders down, sweep up the seeds, and scrub up all the poop”…. See what I mean?”
Announcer: “Not really Ma’am” (sounding perplexed, like he fears she’s drifting…)
Agnes: “Look, our government gives illegal immigrants free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education. Because of that the illegal immigrants came by the tens of millions. Then our taxes went up to pay for their free services. Now small apartments are housing 5 families, you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your grandchild’s 2nd grade class is behind other schools because half the class doesn’t speak English. I have to ‘press one’ on my dial telephone to hear my own bank talk to me in English, and people who don’t speak English are in the streets waving flags other than ‘Old Glory’ squawking and screaming about needing even more rights.”
Announcer: “OH!, you mean….”
Agnes: “That’s right Einstein, it’s time you either knock down their damn bird feeders or keep dealing with all their poop…”
Announcer: “I got you Ma’am… (Chuckles), good one… now what do you think about….”
Agnes: “Let me interrupt you here young man, I’m out of time, I’m due at the bridge club, and Bell and I plan on cleaning Mary and Gertrude clean out. Let me wrap it up like this; Wallace and I, and all the others of my generation, struggled through the Great Depression for years. Soon as that was over all the men went off to WW-II, and us girls worked in a factory welding airplanes, making ammo, and building tanks. There were millions of us all tackling the same problem together. Soon as the war was done me and Wallace, and all the others, got married and settled down to raise a family. No sooner was I with child than Korea blew up and Wallace was off again… for 3 years. We never complained, we never whirled what we saw as duty. And we swore our kids and grandchildren would have it better that us. And darn it, we made sure you DID. The only thing we didn’t anticipate was that you had it so much better, you coasted a bit. You all came out a bit lazy north of the necktie, if you get my drift. Now the simplest little problems throw you into a tizzy, you start to dither, and you think you need to form another new government agency to fix your problems for you. Wallace always said anything we can do, the government can do half as well for twice the money! Dear Wallace, rest his soul, is gone now. He waits for me on the far shore of that last divide. And I’ll be joining him soon. Before you know it all of us my age will be gone. And people your age will have to do what people have always had to do; fix your own darn problems! Now I suggest you people all set a time and date. You can call it the “Evening of the Pops”! What you do is every one of you under 50, on the same day, at precisely the same time; YANK real hard and pull your heads out. Trust me on this; it’ll go down in the history books as the “Pop heard round the world”. Then get to work on the problems you must face. Fix most of them yourselves. As soon as you fix them, others will crop up. Just use a bit more common sense and few less “Experts”. Be brutally honest and hard, mostly on yourselves, but keep fixing problems. At some point, look back on your life as a job well done. Find some youngster, tell them pretty much what I’m telling you, then relax and go dancing until you finally croak in peace. That’s what I’m planning. Now the girls won’t wait so, I believe in today’s language it’s; “Later, Dude…” (Wow! Am I the only one thinking we need a new cabinet post?)
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
A: His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Leaf raking, (go ahead, and fall in the pile, no one’s looking!) All in all, it’s one of the best Take some time to enjoy October with your family, for you know who is waiting.
The monthly chatter box is written by Donald Conyngham
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